I decided to work my way back into blogging by
updating a prior post I wrote for my wife’s blog a year or so ago (I know this the lazy way of
doing things, but I’m ok with that). It was called “The Rooting Effect: A
Sports Memoir” and some might say it was a bit critical and harsh. It declared
the rules of cheering for college sports. Now, sitting over my keyboard I currently
find myself a more compassionate person. Some have even declared, “Hey Dr.
Dino! You seem less cynical.” It’s true, so I decided to rewrite this blog with
that feeling in mind. You might believe that due to my Gators having an appalling
season I’ve developed empathy for fans and you would be completely incorrect –
you filthy animals. Why would you think that? I just told you we had a baby! Having
a baby has indeed changed me and with that I bring you the softer side of me in
“the Rooting Effect: 2.0” (Disclaimer: some of you may still find this critical
and harsh, but trust me, I’m sweet now) - Here we go!
I wrote about the Rooting Effect (or Reflex) in my
last post, but here is the gist. The Rooting Reflex a basic instinct that
allows your baby (typically within an hour of being born) to communicate his
need for sustenance. When hungry, the baby will turn his mouth toward a boob or
a boob that places his finger next to the baby’s mouth. So what does this have
to do with sports? A lot!
If you
look around your local sports pub, shopping mall, or theme park you will
observe countless people wearing sports regalia in support of a certain college
… as they have the right to. My dream is that they will realize one important
thing: Just because you root for a certain college team, doesn’t mean that your
rooting has creditability and should be accepted by others. Now, non-NCAA
sports … go for it and have a ball - this post in not directed towards you.
The
rooting effect talks about an instinct for survival at its very basic level.
Now, I realize that infants aren’t bearing collegiate apparel for their own
survival, but isn’t parental acceptance, household affection, and socialization
enough? Sure we clad Myles in Gator, Arkansas, and Michigan State onesies, but
it’s not our fault it looks so darn cute and after all we did attend those
schools. As I mentioned in my last blog,
“since a newborn’s rooting essentially leads to sucking, a child’s rooting,
essentially, just plain sucks,” but it’s a completely natural behavior. As infants begin growing out of the rooting
effect this behavior becomes extinct – and this is a wonderful metaphor for
life. Rooting should only occur as long as it is needed for "survival.” My point is this - You have
until the age of 18 to suckle the teet of any college team you choose. After
that, you must autonomously create your own journey towards rooting
credibility. You may think you have 100% creditability in rooting for your
college team, but let’s be honest, that’s not how the universe works. Hell,
even our lovely Myles has to follow these rules. Here we go!
Your Rooting counts 100% - Congrats!
There are three
definitive rules for this category. Either - (1) you attended the main campus of that school for a minimum of one academic year, completing two full semesters.
- (2) you are under the age of 18, or
- (3) you currently work for said school’s main campus (in any capacity).
- Example 1: I attended the main campuses and graduated from both the University of Florida and the University of Arkansas therefore I can root for them with100% credibility.
- Example 2: While growing up in Connecticut, I liked the Kansas Jayhawks Basketball squad. While misguided in my regional affections, this rooting had 100% credibility, until I was 18. I did not attend this school and I moved away, so if yell “Rock Chalk, Jayhawk!” my rooting credibility is 0%.
- Example 3: Our 4 month-old, Myles, is draped in Gators, Razorbacks and Spartans gear – hell, his whole room is and he has 100% credibility with these teams until the age of 18. At that point, he will have to make some very important decisions about what school he wants to attend or work at. Due to my professor gig he gets free college at a group of colleges which does not include those 3. He may have to change allegiances unless he earns a scholarship or pays his own way.
- Example 4: You wear your oversized Tennessee jersey that has a Keystone Light and wing sauce stain on it, say something to me about my Gators and you do not meet the above criteria. You have 0% credibility and your attempt believe that you have a say in this is adorable.
Rooting counts 75%!
-
Your child currently attends or has graduated from the main campus of a school.
- One of your parents played on the college team for the specific sport you are rooting for (e.g. you father was on the football team so your football rooting credibility is 75%).
- Example 1: My mother and father who did not attend the University of Florida or the University of Arkansas can root for them with 75% credibility.
- Example 2: Myles attends any school in the universe (Even McDonald’s Hamburger University) thus allowing my wife and I to root with 75% credibility.
- Example 3: I played Rugby for the University of Arkansas. Myles can only root for that specific sport with 75% credibility. Which, to be honest, might be better as they are a much better team than the football squad. Oh, did I mention I scored a hat trick in a match in 10 minutes? Hashtag Humbelbrag and I repent the rest of my career.
- Example 4: You attend a neighborhood block party clad in a new Alabama hat, yelling whatever that team yells and belittling my Gators. You also do not meet any of the above criteria. You have 0% credibility and NO, claiming, “But Alabama doesn’t have professional teams” is frankly a bogus and feeble argument. You have the Montgomery Biscuits (real team) … enjoy.
Rooting counts 50%!
-
You are in any form of domestic partnership with someone that holds 100% credibility. The domestic partnership does not have to be recognized by any state or nation – Screw those close-minded fucks!
- You are in a relationship for over 8 months (not officially living together) with someone that holds 100% credibility.
- You are in a relationship (with someone that holds 100% credibility) and have officially been living together for 3 months. You may ignore the 3 month guideline if you have been dating for a respectable amount of time prior to officially moving in together – Your call and you’re on the honor system.
- Example 1: My lovely wife graduated from Michigan State’s main campus which gives her 100% credibility. When I yell “Go Sparty, Go Green, Go White and I miss Le'veon Bell I am knighted with 50% credibility.
- Example 2: You are showing off your breathable FSU fishing shirt and FSU Oakley style sunglasses at a fair that gives awards to animals, do not meet any the criteria thus far and state that your Seminoles are going to beat down on the Gators this season. Your credibility is 0% and “No Shit,” the gators are 4-7 this season and on their third QB – Of course you’ll win. I would say it was your FSU education that helped you figure that out, but then again it seems like pretty common knowledge and most people get into FSU (UCF has a lower acceptance rate and they are HUGE).
Rooting counts 25%!
-
You are in a relationship (with someone that holds 100% credibility) for less than 8 months and are not officially living together.
- You attended a satellite campus of this school for a minimum of one academic year, completing two full semesters.
- You attended an online program for any amount of time.
- You live in the county where the main campus of school resides for a minimum of 10 years.
- Example 1: I currently reside in Orange county (for 6 years), the same county that holds the University of Central Florida (UCF), Valencia Community College, Le Cordon Bleu culinary institute, and ITT Tech . In 4 more years I can root for any of these teams’ athletic programs with 25% credibility. To be honest, I’m looking forward to it as I heart croissants.
- Example 2: If I attended courses at one of Georgia’s satellite campuses or one of their programs online, when I make some sort of barking noise it carries 25% credibility with it. Actually, now that I think about it, you should get 30% credibility for attending a UGA program on-line as it keeps you away from their campus.
- Example 2: Myles gets a full ride to the Curtis Institute of Music (which has a 6.8% acceptance rate), there he finds himself in a relationship with his vocal teacher. So far they have been making beautiful music for a few months and his vocal teacher graduated from Syracuse’s main campus. Myles can safely root for the Orange with 25% credibility and make as many “Orange you glad…” jokes as he wishes.
Rooting counts 10%!
-
Your parents attended the main campus of that school for a minimum of one academic year, completing two full semesters.
- You are dating and/or friends with benefits, and/or got “lucky” you crazy chap or chapette with an individual that has 100% credibility.
- Example 1: Ann Curry say’s “Yo! I totally crushed it last night with that rad sophomore from Gonzaga!” Ann Curry’s father says, “Well then you can root for Gonzaga with 10% credibility. When do we meet this fine young man?”
- Example 2: Myles goes to a school that he can get in for free due to my professor gig and that school doesn’t have very good sports or any big time sports. The college I currently work at does not have a football program but does have an exceptional sailing team – I think. Myles can ignore all of that and root for the Gators, Razorbacks, and Spartans with 10% credibility. 10% is better than nothing, but you better not claim 100% you whippersnapper!
Rooting counts 0%!
-
You know if you’re here, but don’t feel too bad about it because you’ll always have professional sports and the Olympics.
- You grew up in the city of the college you still root for, but did not attend it. Well, you should have because now you have 0% credibility.
- You have said “Dance like no one is looking” as a way to help others or define yourself.
- You wear spectacles with no prescription and you use the word ‘spectacles’ to commonly describe glasses.
- People who think the first Thanksgiving actually happened.
- “Two Broke Girls” aficionados
- Parents who told me to stock up on sleep prior to Myles’ birth, because they have a remedial understanding of how sleep works
- This list might get out of hand so I’ll take a breather.
OK, so
maybe I’m not as compassionate as I thought I was when it comes to sport
rooting but in honesty I am heavily scarred from this college football season. I’m
a bit judgmental because my Gators were just horrible and I’m not used to that.
Also, I realize that I didn’t update a lot of the parts, but I did mention that
I was getting back into blogging on the cheap. Myles has made me a more compassionate
and caring person in general. He is truly remarkable and it’s amazing how his
laughter as he pees on me seems appropriately adorable and energizing. Stay
tuned for future baby posts about all my adventures!
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