Baby’s Room For Improvement

Did you get it? It’s a “Before-and-After” type phrase from the popular game show “Wheel of Fortune.” I really wanted to title this, “Check out that baby’s caulk!” but for some reason my Ego and Superego got together to put a cap in my Id’s ass. It happens …
 

Well if you didn’t get the title, this post has to do with getting our baby boy’s room ready for his August arrival. Now I’m not what you’d consider a “conventional male” when it comes to fixing things. My only educational experience was a house wiring class that I crushed in high school. Man, I was so good at wiring that the teacher took me aside and encouraged me to go into that profession. I politely declined, subsequently went through 5 different majors in college and now work with the Human Brain’s house wiring … so maybe he had something after all.

I get very excited when thinking about our baby. It’s a very emotional experience for me as I reflect on all the potential wonder he’ll bring into my life. Part of my current excitement is getting the baby’s room up to snuff. As I mentioned, I don’t particularly possess the competencies to do construction-type things, but I’ve been getting better. My father-in-law has shown me a lot and he’s been a great help. In the past two years I’ve stumbled through installing doors & door trim, tiling & grouting, installing base trim & crown molding, painting, sanding, woodworking, changing electrical outlets and of course caulk … oh the caulk. There have been generous amounts of caulk in our relationship, but I feel like it’s brought us closer. I’ve been putting a lot of work into the baby’s room and it’s turning out great. And doing this work has also reinforced some thinking for me.

As fathers, we don’t get to feel the same initial bond with our child that the mother does. This makes sense logically and medically as we don’t have wombs. However, in my mind we don’t have to be a stranger to experiencing that feeling. As I’ve been finding ways to increase this emotional connection it hit me, “I’m a part of creating the baby’s next womb!” It’s a cool reframe when you think about it. Since this reframe I often find myself sitting in the baby’s room, taking it all in, and thinking, “I helped create this for my child.” It’s a wonderful feeling and one can’t help but smile. At this point I’m just about done with working on the foundation of the Baby’s second home sans furniture. I’ve aptly named it “Womb 2: Electric Boogaloo” (Or maybe you prefer “Baby Dr. Dino and the Temple of Womb,” or “Legally Baby 2: Red, White and Womb”). At this point, the “Temple of Womb” is the Cadillac of wombs with fancy new paint, brand spanking new electrical outlets and trim, and, of course, crown molding. And let’s not forget about the copious amounts of caulk … it’s a baby boy after all.

Doing this work I’ve been feeling an even stronger bond with my child. I think it’s very important, as a father, to find little ways to increase your understanding and bond with your baby. In addition to my Extreme Womb Makeover, I’ve been talking to my wife, reading books and talking with fathers and fathers-to-be. It’s important to feel that attachment and connection to your child as early as you can as it also assists with your identity formation regarding becoming a father. It’s good stuff.

In the meantime, I will continue doing my best Tim Allen impression. Not the one where he was arrested for a DUI and again for pound and a half of cocaine (man that’s a butt load of coke!) but, rather, the impression of him fumbling through home improvements because he cares about the family that will be affected by them. This impression is for the new incoming love of my life. Here’s to you baby boy, I hope you like your new digs.

 

 

Sex Dreams.

Everyone loves a good sex dream. Especially us dudes, because we think about sex every 7 seconds. That’s oodles of X-rated cognitions if you do the math, or PG-13 ones if you’re a first-base kind of guy. But contrary to social myth there’s a recent study that came out of The Ohio State University – an institution that’s property of the University of Florida by the way – which suggests that it’s more like 19 times a day. If you break this down, men are actually thinking about sex about every 1.26 hours. Therefore, we aren’t day dreaming about sex as much as we think we are. So come on guys, get with the program! And ladies, you’re only thinking about sex around 10 times a day. It’s time to raise that bar too.

Now day dreaming about sex is one thing, but dreaming at night that’s a whole other ball of sex ... I mean wax. But that’s not really the type of dreams I’m referring to in this post (sorry for the misdirection). So let’s dive into my REAL sex dreams – dreams about the sex of our baby.

 

A lot of people have asked me if we’re going to find out the sex of our baby and I always answer them the same way.  From a Supermanish-Heismany pose (depending on the fortnight) I bellow, “Of course we are!” Now, I’m not poo pooing on people who want this surprise because, as with all baby breeding and growing decisions, it’s a very personal choice (as it should be). One person’s “I must be surprised!” is another person’s “I must find out!” so to each his own. But, while we’re still waiting to find out our baby’s sex from the doctor, I am busy analyzing my own future foretelling dreams – 4 dreams to be specific. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Dream 1: Girls, Girls, Girls.

On the eve of December 16th I finished a nightcap, put on my nightcap and laid down for a restful slumber. That night I dreamt that my wife had just given birth to a beautiful bouncing baby girl. This was a wonderful dream to experience as we’ve been struggling through fertility treatments for some time at this point. All of a sudden I was awakened by my wife and in a groggy state I heard her say, “We’re pregnant!”  Fantastic news! Derrick you ARE the Father! It felt amazing and in the back of my head I was thinking, “aw yeah, I knew it.” So that’s it! I’m a psychic and we are absolutely having a girl.

Now, dream one obviously happened very early on in the pregnancy but dreams 2, 3, and 4 happened just last week (about a week before finding out the baby’s sex) on the same morning. I actually woke up in-between each dream to explain them to my wife. Weird morning.

Dream 2: Hello Nurse!

This one was simple and to the point.  We were in the hospital and my wife was giving birth. When the baby finally came out the nurse held him/her high and exclaimed, “Its 85% a boy!” What? How does this help me at all “nurse in my dream?” What kind of medical school did you go to? What can this mean? The nurse could be telling us that our baby is going to be emotionally both genders (which if your read my last post, emotional intelligence is cool with me), or have a gender identity that was mixed and that’s cool too. Obviously this dream was not helpful and now I’m questioning that nurse’s education from Everest (I have to start telling myself, “Just because Everest has a ton of commercials during Jeremy Kyle and Maury doesn’t mean it’s good”). That’s it! I’m sticking with dream #1. We are absolutely having a girl.

Dream 3: Bakers Dozen.

Everyone loves pastry, well except me which was why this dream was a bit weird. It was 21 plus weeks into the pregnancy and we were cliché enough to have the doctor place the baby’s sex in a sealed envelope for us to give to the Publix bakery (which I don’t get at all. I would much rather find out the sex of our baby while my wife and I are holding hands and looking at the baby bounce around in the sonogram – but that’s just me. Remember these are all personal choices). The confectionary artists were to bake a cake around a certain color of frosting connected to the baby’s sex (i.e. blue for boy and pink for girl). We brought the cake home and when we cut into it, it had both colors. OK, so now the baby is 50% one sex? These Publix bakers are worse than that nurse, but at least this brought me back to reality. In my non-dream state, the baby could be either as well … so I’m good. Again, I’m sticking with dream #1. We are absolutely having a girl.

 Dream 4: Jesus H. Heist!

Jesus gives birth to our baby. That’s right! Just because we don’t practice or believe in any particular religion it doesn’t mean that Jesus can’t be a part of this exciting moment. So here we are, in a dramatic scene with Jesus lying on his back in a disheveled robe with his sandals high in the stirrups … sweating through his crown of thorns, pushing, sacrificing (you’re picturing this aren’t you). The baby is resurrected and Jesus speaks with excitement, “What is it, what is it?!” The nurse then turns to him, tilts her head and says, “You should know, you’re Jesus.” Fuck! That damn nurse screwed me again! But I think I can figure this out. OK, if Jesus is the son of God and he was reborn as himself then he would be … a boy, that’s right a boy!  As long as I don’t count that Joan Osborne song, Jesus declares that we are absolutely having a boy. And if you know a thing or two about dreams, people in your dreams are typically a projection of yourself … so that must make me Jesus. Therefore, since I’m having one of me, we are having a boy. OK, I’m sticking with dream #4. We are absolutely having a boy.

Or maybe a girl. Shit. On one hand the predictive dream claims a girl and on the other Jesus (i.e. me) claims we are having a boy. How does one pick? It’s my psychic ability vs. I, the creator of heaven and earth. I say screw it all and let’s leave this up to science. Bring on that sonogram because I need to know if it will be Pink Tonka Trucks or Blue Easy Bake Ovens for this kid!

Reality 1 – April 9, 2013

And the Sonogram indicated … twigs and berries … that’s right, twigs and berries. It’s a boy! So I guess me as Jesus knows more than me as Psychic. Good to know.

 

 

Don't Shun Me Bro ...

Ovulate-Shunned? Ovula-Shunned? Oh, It’s Ovulay – Shunned! I get it now! Allow myself to introduce ... myself. I am Dr. Dino: a soon-to-be first-time father, associate professor of clinical mental health counseling, psychotherapist, author, podcaster, and just a squirrel trying to get a nut. It’s been an exciting and interesting 19 weeks of knowing my wife and I are going to have a baby. I wouldn’t call myself “shunned” as of yet (though I’ve already been completely ignored in a maternity store) but I have been experiencing what it’s like to be a future dad in a world that’s designed for the one carrying the baby. It’s not an unfamiliar world as I’ve experienced parallel feelings when preparing for our wedding (read my experience in “Hus-Banned” in my lovely wife’s blog “A Life UnderConstruction”). My hope is that, through this blog, I can share some of my experiences with you and maybe we can empathize and learn from each other.

I would call myself an emotionally intelligent person and that is why I believe that I have found the search for Dad knowledge to be a bit off-putting. Yes, it’s true that I’m a man, but I also wouldn’t put myself in a stereotypical societal category that defines masculinity. I look at myself as an individual who has been involved in some “masculine” activities (e.g. retired mediocre 6-year rugby player, scotch enthusiast, gym rat … when I get in a zone, handy around the house, lover of AMC’s “The Walking Dead”) as well as a man that can competently express his feelings (e.g. share my experiences and thoughts with my wife, afraid of AMC’s “The Walking Dead”). So, when I pursued materials on the experiences of becoming a father you can imagine my dismay when it was mostly skewed to the former.

I sent the following Facebook message to my friends: “A Call to my People! I’m wondering if anyone knows of a good book or books for expecting fathers that do not create metaphors related to the following topics: cars & mechanics, power tools, my ‘boys’ swimming, beer & kegs, fishing, cavemen & survival guide mentalities, and the word ‘dude.’ Essentially, I’m looking for a book which assumes that men have the ability to hold a level of emotional intelligence. Thanks in advance!”

Now, I’ve used the term “emotional intelligence” a couple of times here so let me explain what I mean. Essentially, an individual with emotional intelligence has the ability to: (1) bring awareness to his or her current emotions, (2) they have an awareness of how these emotions influence their thoughts, behaviors, and reactions, and (3) they know how to have positive interactions with people and issues without allowing these emotions to take full control (i.e. the emotion becomes a part of healthy expression and interaction). More specifically, Daniel Goleman introduced a model that describes emotional intelligence though the following five main constructs.

1. Self-awareness – the ability to know one's emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals, and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.
2. Self-regulation – involves controlling or redirecting one's disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.
3. Social skill – managing relationships to move people in the desired direction
4. Empathy - considering other people's feelings, especially when making decisions
5. Motivation - being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement.

You can imagine that these traits would be quite useful, in addition to what a “man” is supposed to be, through the course of child rearing. Because of this, it’s been my drive to view fatherhood from a different perspective.  

Anyway, back to my Facebook message. I received some great, witty and thought provoking responses including the following from a close friend: “ummm...sorry but those metaphors are men things!!! I know my dad did a great and many of those things he taught and discussed with me...and still does!!! Many of life's learning experiences can come from those subjects..”  

Well, I hope one of those things didn’t include the word “dude,” but I think that he has a point ... well I agree with him, TO a point at least. Now I don’t want to come off as man bashing in this post (after all I played rugby and watch “The Walking Dead”), but I rather hope we can reevaluate our definition of what “being a man is.” I don’t denounce my friend’s viewpoint or personal experience, but I also hope for so much more. I believe that men have evolved to encompass attributes that go beyond what society (or let’s face it … what I) would call “stereotypical gender elements.” This would include some of what my friend refers to, but also higher levels of emotional intelligence and what some might consider combined masculine and feminine traits. Personally, I would like to read about that. I don’t need an app or book to tell me not to honk my wife’s now larger hooters and then to tell me not to call them “hooters.” I want to be the total package for my pregnant wife and child (hee hee, I said, “package”). 

Currently, I’m reading “Becoming a dad: The first three years” by John C. Carr, LSCW. It’s a good book and has steered away from correlating my wife’s trimesters with carburetors. It treats me like a person and gives a great overview of both “what to expect” and how to react to it in a holistic way. My Facebook peers have also suggested “The Expectant Father,” which is on deck.  

Becoming a dad has been an exciting and frightening experience for me and I know it’s important to respect both feelings. The next few months will be filled with baby room preparation, unsolicited advice, name section, biological and in-law parent reactions, caring for the three of us, trips to stores that don’t know what to do with me, etc. In addition, I am very fortunate that I’m able to take a year off from my professor gig (fully paid) to watch our child develop. This will surely add to the interesting experiences I encounter. It’ll be a great ride and I hope you can join me in it. Peace out Playas … well until next time!