Sex Dreams.

Everyone loves a good sex dream. Especially us dudes, because we think about sex every 7 seconds. That’s oodles of X-rated cognitions if you do the math, or PG-13 ones if you’re a first-base kind of guy. But contrary to social myth there’s a recent study that came out of The Ohio State University – an institution that’s property of the University of Florida by the way – which suggests that it’s more like 19 times a day. If you break this down, men are actually thinking about sex about every 1.26 hours. Therefore, we aren’t day dreaming about sex as much as we think we are. So come on guys, get with the program! And ladies, you’re only thinking about sex around 10 times a day. It’s time to raise that bar too.

Now day dreaming about sex is one thing, but dreaming at night that’s a whole other ball of sex ... I mean wax. But that’s not really the type of dreams I’m referring to in this post (sorry for the misdirection). So let’s dive into my REAL sex dreams – dreams about the sex of our baby.

 

A lot of people have asked me if we’re going to find out the sex of our baby and I always answer them the same way.  From a Supermanish-Heismany pose (depending on the fortnight) I bellow, “Of course we are!” Now, I’m not poo pooing on people who want this surprise because, as with all baby breeding and growing decisions, it’s a very personal choice (as it should be). One person’s “I must be surprised!” is another person’s “I must find out!” so to each his own. But, while we’re still waiting to find out our baby’s sex from the doctor, I am busy analyzing my own future foretelling dreams – 4 dreams to be specific. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Dream 1: Girls, Girls, Girls.

On the eve of December 16th I finished a nightcap, put on my nightcap and laid down for a restful slumber. That night I dreamt that my wife had just given birth to a beautiful bouncing baby girl. This was a wonderful dream to experience as we’ve been struggling through fertility treatments for some time at this point. All of a sudden I was awakened by my wife and in a groggy state I heard her say, “We’re pregnant!”  Fantastic news! Derrick you ARE the Father! It felt amazing and in the back of my head I was thinking, “aw yeah, I knew it.” So that’s it! I’m a psychic and we are absolutely having a girl.

Now, dream one obviously happened very early on in the pregnancy but dreams 2, 3, and 4 happened just last week (about a week before finding out the baby’s sex) on the same morning. I actually woke up in-between each dream to explain them to my wife. Weird morning.

Dream 2: Hello Nurse!

This one was simple and to the point.  We were in the hospital and my wife was giving birth. When the baby finally came out the nurse held him/her high and exclaimed, “Its 85% a boy!” What? How does this help me at all “nurse in my dream?” What kind of medical school did you go to? What can this mean? The nurse could be telling us that our baby is going to be emotionally both genders (which if your read my last post, emotional intelligence is cool with me), or have a gender identity that was mixed and that’s cool too. Obviously this dream was not helpful and now I’m questioning that nurse’s education from Everest (I have to start telling myself, “Just because Everest has a ton of commercials during Jeremy Kyle and Maury doesn’t mean it’s good”). That’s it! I’m sticking with dream #1. We are absolutely having a girl.

Dream 3: Bakers Dozen.

Everyone loves pastry, well except me which was why this dream was a bit weird. It was 21 plus weeks into the pregnancy and we were cliché enough to have the doctor place the baby’s sex in a sealed envelope for us to give to the Publix bakery (which I don’t get at all. I would much rather find out the sex of our baby while my wife and I are holding hands and looking at the baby bounce around in the sonogram – but that’s just me. Remember these are all personal choices). The confectionary artists were to bake a cake around a certain color of frosting connected to the baby’s sex (i.e. blue for boy and pink for girl). We brought the cake home and when we cut into it, it had both colors. OK, so now the baby is 50% one sex? These Publix bakers are worse than that nurse, but at least this brought me back to reality. In my non-dream state, the baby could be either as well … so I’m good. Again, I’m sticking with dream #1. We are absolutely having a girl.

 Dream 4: Jesus H. Heist!

Jesus gives birth to our baby. That’s right! Just because we don’t practice or believe in any particular religion it doesn’t mean that Jesus can’t be a part of this exciting moment. So here we are, in a dramatic scene with Jesus lying on his back in a disheveled robe with his sandals high in the stirrups … sweating through his crown of thorns, pushing, sacrificing (you’re picturing this aren’t you). The baby is resurrected and Jesus speaks with excitement, “What is it, what is it?!” The nurse then turns to him, tilts her head and says, “You should know, you’re Jesus.” Fuck! That damn nurse screwed me again! But I think I can figure this out. OK, if Jesus is the son of God and he was reborn as himself then he would be … a boy, that’s right a boy!  As long as I don’t count that Joan Osborne song, Jesus declares that we are absolutely having a boy. And if you know a thing or two about dreams, people in your dreams are typically a projection of yourself … so that must make me Jesus. Therefore, since I’m having one of me, we are having a boy. OK, I’m sticking with dream #4. We are absolutely having a boy.

Or maybe a girl. Shit. On one hand the predictive dream claims a girl and on the other Jesus (i.e. me) claims we are having a boy. How does one pick? It’s my psychic ability vs. I, the creator of heaven and earth. I say screw it all and let’s leave this up to science. Bring on that sonogram because I need to know if it will be Pink Tonka Trucks or Blue Easy Bake Ovens for this kid!

Reality 1 – April 9, 2013

And the Sonogram indicated … twigs and berries … that’s right, twigs and berries. It’s a boy! So I guess me as Jesus knows more than me as Psychic. Good to know.