Don't Shun Me Bro ...

Ovulate-Shunned? Ovula-Shunned? Oh, It’s Ovulay – Shunned! I get it now! Allow myself to introduce ... myself. I am Dr. Dino: a soon-to-be first-time father, associate professor of clinical mental health counseling, psychotherapist, author, podcaster, and just a squirrel trying to get a nut. It’s been an exciting and interesting 19 weeks of knowing my wife and I are going to have a baby. I wouldn’t call myself “shunned” as of yet (though I’ve already been completely ignored in a maternity store) but I have been experiencing what it’s like to be a future dad in a world that’s designed for the one carrying the baby. It’s not an unfamiliar world as I’ve experienced parallel feelings when preparing for our wedding (read my experience in “Hus-Banned” in my lovely wife’s blog “A Life UnderConstruction”). My hope is that, through this blog, I can share some of my experiences with you and maybe we can empathize and learn from each other.

I would call myself an emotionally intelligent person and that is why I believe that I have found the search for Dad knowledge to be a bit off-putting. Yes, it’s true that I’m a man, but I also wouldn’t put myself in a stereotypical societal category that defines masculinity. I look at myself as an individual who has been involved in some “masculine” activities (e.g. retired mediocre 6-year rugby player, scotch enthusiast, gym rat … when I get in a zone, handy around the house, lover of AMC’s “The Walking Dead”) as well as a man that can competently express his feelings (e.g. share my experiences and thoughts with my wife, afraid of AMC’s “The Walking Dead”). So, when I pursued materials on the experiences of becoming a father you can imagine my dismay when it was mostly skewed to the former.

I sent the following Facebook message to my friends: “A Call to my People! I’m wondering if anyone knows of a good book or books for expecting fathers that do not create metaphors related to the following topics: cars & mechanics, power tools, my ‘boys’ swimming, beer & kegs, fishing, cavemen & survival guide mentalities, and the word ‘dude.’ Essentially, I’m looking for a book which assumes that men have the ability to hold a level of emotional intelligence. Thanks in advance!”

Now, I’ve used the term “emotional intelligence” a couple of times here so let me explain what I mean. Essentially, an individual with emotional intelligence has the ability to: (1) bring awareness to his or her current emotions, (2) they have an awareness of how these emotions influence their thoughts, behaviors, and reactions, and (3) they know how to have positive interactions with people and issues without allowing these emotions to take full control (i.e. the emotion becomes a part of healthy expression and interaction). More specifically, Daniel Goleman introduced a model that describes emotional intelligence though the following five main constructs.

1. Self-awareness – the ability to know one's emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals, and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.
2. Self-regulation – involves controlling or redirecting one's disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.
3. Social skill – managing relationships to move people in the desired direction
4. Empathy - considering other people's feelings, especially when making decisions
5. Motivation - being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement.

You can imagine that these traits would be quite useful, in addition to what a “man” is supposed to be, through the course of child rearing. Because of this, it’s been my drive to view fatherhood from a different perspective.  

Anyway, back to my Facebook message. I received some great, witty and thought provoking responses including the following from a close friend: “ummm...sorry but those metaphors are men things!!! I know my dad did a great and many of those things he taught and discussed with me...and still does!!! Many of life's learning experiences can come from those subjects..”  

Well, I hope one of those things didn’t include the word “dude,” but I think that he has a point ... well I agree with him, TO a point at least. Now I don’t want to come off as man bashing in this post (after all I played rugby and watch “The Walking Dead”), but I rather hope we can reevaluate our definition of what “being a man is.” I don’t denounce my friend’s viewpoint or personal experience, but I also hope for so much more. I believe that men have evolved to encompass attributes that go beyond what society (or let’s face it … what I) would call “stereotypical gender elements.” This would include some of what my friend refers to, but also higher levels of emotional intelligence and what some might consider combined masculine and feminine traits. Personally, I would like to read about that. I don’t need an app or book to tell me not to honk my wife’s now larger hooters and then to tell me not to call them “hooters.” I want to be the total package for my pregnant wife and child (hee hee, I said, “package”). 

Currently, I’m reading “Becoming a dad: The first three years” by John C. Carr, LSCW. It’s a good book and has steered away from correlating my wife’s trimesters with carburetors. It treats me like a person and gives a great overview of both “what to expect” and how to react to it in a holistic way. My Facebook peers have also suggested “The Expectant Father,” which is on deck.  

Becoming a dad has been an exciting and frightening experience for me and I know it’s important to respect both feelings. The next few months will be filled with baby room preparation, unsolicited advice, name section, biological and in-law parent reactions, caring for the three of us, trips to stores that don’t know what to do with me, etc. In addition, I am very fortunate that I’m able to take a year off from my professor gig (fully paid) to watch our child develop. This will surely add to the interesting experiences I encounter. It’ll be a great ride and I hope you can join me in it. Peace out Playas … well until next time!