I Am Horrible at Photoshop

I am horrible at Photoshop. This absolute is based on the fact that I have never used it nor have these eyes laid upon the program before. What makes this problematic is that I like what Photoshop does. I’m a big fan of cutting and pasting faces onto pictures because I enjoy creating weird computer made cards for my wife. I’m sure it does other things, but one step at a time.

I tend to journey the path of most resistance with this work – lemme ‘splain. First, I pick a lovely face picture and then I pick the background picture (following me so far?). I paste the face picture into PowerPoint where I do my best cropping job leaving the once perfect face in more of a boxy form. Then, I overlay the cropped face-picture onto the background picture and adjust size and angle. Finally, I highlight it all with the curser to save it as one solid Jpeg. Quite the process, I’m well aware. At the end of this laborious effort a wonky picture or card has been created. So far my wife has loved all of them – or that’s what she tells me.

I decided to present you with my latest endeavor that hopefully illuminates the wondrous bond that exists between mother and child, as well as offers a bit of advice to Myles as he matures.

I am humbled that you are attending my very first “Photoshop” exhibition entitled:

“I’ll tell ya, you and that kiddo …

you two are going places”

 

 

Title: "We have a bright future together"

 

Lesson: Son, living in the past is only acceptable if you plan on using that knowledge for evil … I mean gaining wealth … I mean getting the girl or the guy … I mean plotting revenge … I mean, shit, if you can time travel just go for it.

 

Lesson 2: Son, never trust a dog who can “Sieg Heil.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Title: “Jesus Christ you’re a good mom!”

Lesson: Son, you may scold me for making this if you decide to become religious after your secular upbringing. I won’t judge you for that, but you know who will?

Lesson 2: Son, there will always be one jerk at any dinner party you throw.

 

 

 

 

 

Title: “It’s our differences that connect us and help build even more appreciation for one another”

Lesson: Son, sometimes you’re the rabbit and sometimes you’re rabbiting. Everything is better with an “ing.”

Lesson 2: Son, it’s very easy to be replaced by an astronaut in the short term. Hey, there’s nothing you can do about it as they’re quite exciting. Just wait them out as it’s entertaining to watch their ego resist the other side of the bell curve.

 

Title: “Just try and scrub away the bond we have”

Lesson: Son, yes, going whiteface is as bad as going blackface, but never as bad as going blackface.

Lesson 2: Son, you will find a best friend. It’s more fun to do crazy things with that friend if you have a high paying job.

 

Title: “A Royal without cheese is just fiction … we have the cheese”

Lesson: Son, yes … I know, I just talked about how going whiteface is as bad as going blackface, but sometimes things happen. You’ll learn that. Maybe you should stop calling me out.

Lesson 2: Son, there are many places you can hide something. You may want to review all options before settling. Seriously, there’s no need for hastiness when hiding things. I sincerely mean this and hope you really hear what I’m saying – unless you’re into that.

 

 

 

  Title: “We make a great pair and there’s nothing dumber about that”

Lesson: Son, extras will photo bomb for many reasons and all those reasons are tied to worth. Don’t be an extra.

Lesson 2: Son, you will be judged for peeing your pants even if it’s to keep warm in a life or death situation. Never wear khakis.

 

 

 

 

Title: “No amount of freezing and time will break our bond”

Lesson: Son, that’s a good question. I’m not sure if going Wookieface is racist.

Lesson 2: Son, if you add experiences to the beginning of your life after people are happy with what you have already put out, it’s going to rub some people the wrong way. But that’s ok as you probably already have them hooked.

 

 

 

 

 

Title: “Our spirit will always smell of togetherness”

Lesson: Son, there may come a day when you feel like you have to do certain things for money and that’s ok. I will only judge you if you do it for a bag of chips. Always remember – Cash is King.

Lesson 2: Son, most likely we have several naked baby pictures of you. We will use them against you if you turn on us.

So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed my “Photoshop” exhibit. I assure you that these will not be the last artistic creations you see out of me and hopefully, one day, some kind person will bequeath me the Photoshop program and a few lessons. Until next time …

-Dr. Dino

p.s. If you would like to hear more interesting things from me please check out my Mental Health Comedy podcast, “Open Miked with MikeQuinn Jr. and Dr. Dino.” You can follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.