My Baby Hates Me

A magical moment occurred. My wife felt the baby moving around in her belly. How amazing is that!? There were mini- kicks and punches a la David Carrradine (Of course I’m referring to the Carradine from “Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, not the one just “hanging out” in his garage). This indeed was a great moment for us in the development of our baby and family.

Up to this point we’ve only been able to experience a pixilation of our child as he danced around and flashed us on a computer monitor (which for some reason is only positioned for those laying on the gurney). It’s been awesome to see the little one move around and hear his adorable heartbeat, but it’s time to step it up a notch! For the past few weeks my wife has been grabbing my hand and placing it on her belly when she feels the baby. I felt nothing and then I felt nothing and after that, I again felt nothing. My baby must hate me.

In a book I recently examined, it talked about how the father-to-be may experience some jealously when it comes to their partner feeling the baby much sooner. Poppy-Cock! I know I have Womb Envy but this is ridiculous. Well, the book was right … color me green. Days and weeks went by with my wife feeling the baby and I nothing. I’ve tried singing, talking in a weird high pitched-raspy voice, reading, and even knocking on my wife’s belly to see if he’s home, but again I felt nothing. I came to the foregone conclusion that my baby does indeed hate me. This was a tough few weeks for me. I didn’t enter into a clinical depression or an adjustment disorder with depressed mood, but I was down and this was a weird feeling. This was something I was really looking forward to and it was difficult not to experience it when I wanted to.

Well, my 3 weeks of “the blues” ended one night while watching TV. As my wife placed my hand on her belly, I felt a punch and I let out a geschrei! Could this be the little whippersnapper!? It was indeed! My very own baby let me feel him. Now it wasn’t as strong as a donkey kick or that scene from the movie “Aliens,” (though it is true that in the womb, no one can hear you scream) but it was fantastic.

For the next week I was prepared to feel him kick like a machine. I kept my hand at my side Iike a gunner in wild west duel and … nothing. My baby still hates me? What! Now, I’m a patient man, but this was getting ridiculous. I have a friend that’s due on the same day and he can feel his baby kick all the time. Just as I was starting to doubt that the punch I felt was real, last night I felt an array of kicks from the nino. It was like the Rockettes were doing an encore (not Roxette, though they probably look similar at this point in his gestation), there were more kicks than a Stride Rite, It was a football game that went to 4^th down every series, my wife had a “kick-me” sign on the inside of her belly, he was here to kick ass and chew bubble gum and was all out of bubble gum. I was so excited that I wanted to do a pratfall like a soccer player or an aspiring actor who’s probably in an improv troupe named “Harry Plotter,” “Home IMPROVment,” or “Cactus Vinegar and the Holy Peanut Butter .” I hope this great feeling continues and my baby keeps saying hello to me. I know that my baby loves me and of course I have similar feelings towards him. I’ll admit it though; it’s nice to feel his little kicks. It’s an added bonus and makes me want him to arrive even sooner. One thing for sure is I’m going to “Billy Madison” it up alot. I know my baby will love it, but my wife on the other hand, well ….