Sample "Size" Matters: Part Deux

Raising a baby

And I Rant-ant-ant … I Rant so far A-Way-E-E. In the following rant I have changed the names to protect the guilty.  

I told you there would be a part two and like with any great sequel (e.g. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Babe: Pig in the City,) this one will leave a taste in your mouth.

There’s another very important type of sample size when it comes to babies and it’s directly connected to rearing the darn things. I will spare you the full geekyness, but there’s a little known fact (actually it’s VERY known, but there’s no saying for that, so you get the former) in statistics called "Sample Size." By the way, did I mention that “sample size” is the title of this post? It’s an important concept when conducting research (e.g. social sciences research) as it can assist in dictating how much validity your outcome has when generalized to the public arena. It’s the reason why we can pull out significance from scholarly research, misconstrue it and then dump it into the evening news, The View, or Parenting Magazine. Basically, the larger your sample size, the more certain you can be that your study outcome can truly reflect the population you're aiming it towards.

From this I’m sure you can delineate that when samples are too small, they can lead to inaccurate results. This is true. Unfortunately, when it comes to raising babies, people seem to forget this basic statistical concept. I’m sure many new parents have experienced this. The moment you let people know you’re having a child, they immediately offer advice. Why is that? Why is it that when it comes to babies people dart for their first amendment right?

I’ve already heard general unhelpful advice like, “You know that having a baby will change your life forever,” “Raising a baby is difficult,” and “Oh, you’re lucky you’re having a boy.” Thanks general public, I absolutely had no clue. I wish you could have been there to point out other obvious things with cliché throughout my life’s journey. It even extended to more personal preferences like “Hey when you breastfeed ...” when we are not breastfeeding. I’ve received perplexed looks from people when I disclose this. Looks that express, “You mean you’re planning to harm your baby by giving them fake boob milk?? Do you hate your baby?”

Now, I don’t mind advice. In all honesty, I often seek it and I’m going to need a lot of it in the next few years. But when it comes to raising a baby you better have sample size behind you. What I’m saying is that you need a sample size larger than N=1, 2, or even 3. Being a parent is a very individual undertaking. Sure, there are some universals like, don’t shake the baby, it’s beneficial to change its diaper, or nurishment is good for them, but those aren’t the things people offer up. It’s specifics like TV watching, breast milk, baby proofing, toys, how to put them to sleep, etc. In most circumstances these parents have raised one or two children and that hardly reaches any sample size viable enough to offer any statistical significance let alone meaning to me. Let’s be honest: no one likes it when you show up with your “I raised one or two kids. Now let me generalize for you" documentary. Let me offer you a couple of quick examples.
 

Example #1: Explicit

My wonderful wife posted the picture below on Facebook with the following tag, “Adventures in parenting. Today's lesson: How to install a car seat.” We received a lot of likes and nice comments. And then there was this one by Val Kilmer: “It’s suppose to be in the middle by the way!” Now let’s ignore the fact that Val forgot that the correct word is “supposed” for a second and let’s focus on the context more closely. Instead of offering commentary on the wonder that my wife and I are about to undertake with having our first child and how amazing that journey is, Val decided to insert unsolicited critical advice about how we were installing said car seat incorrectly, when in fact we were not.

 

Example #2: Implicit

My wonderful wife and I were at a friend’s house for a party. In a conversation with my wife, Donna Martin, and Andrea Zuckerman I was talking about how I’m taking a year off from work to stay home with the baby. The only caveat is that I have to work as a psychotherapist at my college one day a week through December to qualify for my paternity leave. No big deal and I love the work. I told the ladies that when my wife eventually goes back to work, I would be more than happy to get up through the night to care for the baby every time except for the night before I’m seeing a full caseload of clients – that’s 6 days a week for those who are counting. As I was sharing this thinking it was a very nice thing to do, I was met with dismissive smirks and looks that said, “Right, you have no clue how hard it’s going to be and it’s cute that you think you’ll be able to accomplish that.” Again, let’s look closer at the context. These women, one of whom has a baby and the other who has only conceived potato chip dip, decided to mock the idea rather than show support to someone who was demonstrating proactive care and compassion for his baby as well as his wife. I mean, no shit, it’s going to be difficult … really difficult and exhausting, but look at any single parent or any parent with a crappy partner that doesn’t help. They all have to do it on their own for stretches of time.

The above issues aren’t novel or rare. It’s just disheartening to have to experience them along with your excitement. I could just ignore them, but then I wouldn’t have any fodder for my blog and who wants to live in that world. I think one explanation is that a lot of people just really want to be acknowledged for their experience in raising a baby. From a social psychological standpoint, one can say it’s kind of like the persistent “look at me” condition that sadly rests all too comfortably in our society today. It’s what allows a sample size of one (N=1) to generalize to the world. I do want to help though, so I’ll leave those flawed researchers out there with this:

Only you and your family give a poop about how you raised your child.

And that’s beautiful. It’s beautiful because raising children is an individual, exciting, and personal journey. I hope that you’ll take this to heart and hold those moments to yourself as well as allow others to create their own. You most likely have good advice, but it means more to us new parents when we solicit it from you so that we can enter into a meaningful conversation. Now, if you fear that you may relapse and volunteer advice, just remember the Octomom has a larger sample size than you. You’ll need to catch up to her before you can submit guidance. You may not agree with her lifestyle, but she is in fact raising, feeding, and changing a hoard of babies without your help. And if you still think you want to share, I strongly encourage you to use this Sample Size Calculator first. Feel free to ask me for help. 

Whew! Rant over. That felt good. Sorry for the length.

Sample "Size" Matters: Part 1

It’s absolutely true. Size DOES matter. Just ask any person in the world, hell even query the damn universe. I know for a fact that size matters (or rather 'Sample Size') when it comes to two very specific things:

1) Making a baby and 2) Raising a baby. Let me break this down for you.

Part #1: Making a Baby
I may have previously spoken to this, but my wife and I spent a large portion of last year going through fertility treatments. By and far she had the worst of it having to go through a daily routine which included self-administering shots. I can’t even begin to know the emotional toll this experience had on her … actually I can since I’m a caring husband and a psychotherapist. Let me tell you it’s a hard-hitting and draining road to do so much and be let down time after time. And it’s very easy to feel hopeless in this experience. My wife is an amazing person and she is such a remarkable woman for having gone through this (please read her amazing blog post on this experience).

For me, it was a bit different. My semen analysis was, well, eh. My instructions were to put no alcohol in my system, work out, eat better, get healthier, take daily pills, and give them samples upon request – which I did. The only odd part of this experience was trying to give my sample while hearing conversations in the hallway of the clinic. It’s not that I felt awkward with a 2-inch thick door separating me from the staff or that it was inferred that I was supposed to sit on a bench covered with noisy paper that everyone else has sat on before to … you know; it’s just that I’m a very curious person. Trust me, it’s pretty easy to get distracted and caught up when you hear how Gina’s boyfriend Jake was seen with LaTonya at the Olive Garden and Jake doesn’t even like Italian food.

My road was in no way as difficult as my wife’s but it still affected me. It’s hard to hear, “Dr. Dino, your sperm’s motility, morphology, and volume are not as fantastic as we would have hoped.” Basically the Doc was calling my sperm “adorable.” In fact, at a later time, when my wife was getting her IUI a different doctor said to her, "What company are you using for your sperm? You may want to switch to a different donor with stronger numbers." With all of this happening, I wondered how much machismo would get my way in accepting and talking about this. After all, I am half Puerto Rican. But on the other hand, I’m not that macho - Remember?? I both love to watch and cover my eyes during “The Walking Dead.”
 
I was ok with this from a genetic and biological framework, as this happens but, at the same time, I also blamed myself for making it even harder on us. My reaction was not the stereotypical He-Man response and I was not “Master of the Universe” (see what I did there?). I was filled with deflation. I didn’t want to add to our difficulties or the demise of any probability in having a child. So, I did what any loving partner would do, I sat in my deflated position for a while and then I reacted with purpose. I planned on doing everything I could personally do to increase our probability. It wasn’t easy though, especially after a couple of times of non-success. It can make a person wonder if this work is for nothing and If we’re doing this all to have the memory of not being able to make more memories. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s tough to be strong. My wife and I talked a lot during these times with reassurance, hope, tears, sadness and any other emotion on the feeling continuum. I’m happy that we had each other through this and we are very fortunate that things worked out. Our hearts towards each other were big and eventually so was my dashing sperm. Proof number one that sample size matters within these sample size matters.  

And stay tuned for Part #2: Raising a Baby.